I have so many ideas floating in my head, but I can never seem to put them down on paper! Damn you procrastination, damn you ADHD! God DAMN you self-doubt! I honestly hate myself and apologize to any who watch me or give any damns. I need to start writing more, do something, anything!
Trying to change myself, but things just stay the same. Never should have tried to go off my ADHD/Depression meds 7 yrs ago. Couldn't stand being tied to them, half the time they made my stomach churn. Now I'm miserable, feel stagnant and lost in life, and keep thinking I've been wasting my years. I want to do more, read and write more, take in new things, but I procrastinate constantly! I'm either scared of failure, or feel like I don't deserve to move forward because I haven't done much. Half the damn time I feel like I don't know anything, and I haven't done enough. It's pathetic and I need to change. I've never felt this much self loathing in my life. I feel like I've wasted the past 6-7 years! I mean, I've read some stuff, watched a multitude of things from cartoons to movies to educational etc, and I wasn't living under a rock my whole life.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I ACCOMPLISHED!?!
I've drifted from dishwasher job to dishwasher job! I've yet to find a career in the field I got a degree in (Dental Lab Technology) close to four years ago! In the lab I'm at now, working two days a week, I'm just trying to relearn what I learned. And you know what's messed up? It was meant as a fallback career in case the writing never picked up. But in these past 4 years, how much writing have I lifted up? Not FUCKING MUCH APPARANTLY! I've had so many story ideas, why the HELL haven't I written them?!?
Hell, I got a Dragon Software package (speech to text) over two years ago and only installed it last winter before Christmas. I even signed up for a novel writing course half a year ago (guarenteed to have a novel at the end) at a dirt cheap discount but almost didn't renew the code in time. And still haven't exploited either! WHY?! Am I that damned scared, that full of self-deprecating doubt?!
I talk to everyone about how I try and want to change, to improve myself for the better. So WHY CAN'T I?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND WHY CAN'T I EVER FOCUS!?! I'M 27 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
I had to get it off my chest. I suppose things aren't completely fucked. I'm in therapy, talking my stress out, and I'm less suicidal then I was last year. I doubt I'll ever do it, I don't have the nerve and at least a few people I care about would miss me. That lab gig is helping me out, refreshing my skills, and the dentist and aids are very nice. They're very patient with me, and I want to improve and help them fully set up their own lab to make dentures. Gonna try that Novel course after I'm done with :iconLet-Me-InOCT:, hopefully it hasn't expired. Also gonna finally try the Dragon software hopefully. I mean, what do I have to lose? And I do want to get back on my meds, as they would help me make the last 3 year of my 20's become (hopefully) insanely productive. The change is happening, it's just really slow. And old lazy habits are so hard to break.
I've lived my life like a lazy river at the local Sandcastle, drifting from point to point, taking paths of minimal current and resistance, doing whatever offered stimulation with the least amount of effort. It can't keep going like that. Reality has shown me that. Trying to do so will only cost me my will to live.
Honestly I'm just upset. I came to these realizations back near the end of 2014, even wrote a journal entry about it:
Redefining Self-WorthInspiration can be rather elusive at times. You wonder why others create more than you or why you can never get your ideas down. For me, another thing that had been depleting my creative mojo was comparing myself to others.But in the end, I'm not sure I've really come all that far. Submitted a few things, tried a few OCT's, even a collab in one. Other than that, not much. And in all of them I would compose my entries within the last 2 weeks or more often the last few days of each deadline. I mean I'd brain storm all the time, daydream about my story, but it'd only go to paper in the last minute. Can't keep doing it like that, I feel more stressed than anything.
I've been on the site for a while, seen all kinds of great art. I've even gone from trying to be a photographer to trying to be a writer. And honestly, I've felt disappointed in my lack of submissions. It's not like I don't have ideas, either; I have ideas for 5 to 6 different stories, and a few poems. The problem has been that my mind just moves faster than my hands. For those of you watching that actually give a shit, I apologize for not giving you more to see. I will be churning out works more often, or die trying.
Also, I think the biggest problem has been my sense of self-worth. In that regard, I never really put much value on my own life. I've been comparing myself to others far to much, thinking "Oh, they done more than me! They've done better than me!" And t
I'm not even sure if anyone will read this. I don't blame anyone who doesn't. My notifications menu is loaded with the works of my friends that I have yet to read or comment on. Can't even focus myself enough to do that most the damn time. And here I keep looking for comments and attention on what little works I do create and submitt. It is a bit hypocritical.
Still, to any who bother...Thank you. You're a part of what allows me to keep living in a world that makes no real sense to me and only seems to want to work me to the bone and throw away the husk.